Monday, August 4, 2014

Chandeliers .... And others

I was looking at a blank canvas when this struck me. 

How minuscule life really is. 

There are 7 billion people on earth now, and it's climbing as I sit here, sipping with my allegedly Israeli supporting coffee brand at the location of my new job... Well, if you consider 8 months... New. 

Global growth rate is at 1.8%, approximately. I can't even visualise 1 billion let alone 7. 

My existence is just really.... Small. 

I. Am. A. Speck.

So I seriously don't know why I am taking life so fucking seriously. I am dispensable and my existence pretty much questionable, as far as purpose is concerned. 

But I am going to hold on to the notion that, every single organism has a purpose. 

Even if it's only... As a speck. 

Tuesday, July 22, 2014


I have, since my retrenchment last year, become sort of, indifferent towards corporate loyalty. 

Instead of being dedicated and committed, I have become.... Sarcastic. And cynical. 

The thing is, I have goals, and I want, nay, neeeed to have that achieved. 

So now, I am figuring out how I can realize the goal, without thinking about the dispensable nature of our professional ethics. 

Work towards that goal Ayu, you won't be here forever. 

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Something's got to give

I was looking at a Lego structure at Bangsar Village mall when I was asked by my best friend if I would rather be building that than to do what I am currently doing as a job.

Without missing a beat I said :

'I'd fucking choose the legos.'

See, something has to give. Is this the universe's way of telling me something about my current situation?

Ahh Madame Universe you tease....

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Of work...

Have you ever thought to yourself what is it that you have always wanted to do? And why is it that you are doing what you are doing now? 

And so, with me, it has always been on happiness.. What makes me happy, whether it's the pursuit of it, or the attainment of happiness. Whether it's relative or material. 

I know I want to do something that is worth doing.. Not entirely sure if adding on a to corporate CEO bonus is what I want to contribute towards. 

How can we justify our importance, by doing something important? What are the things that we will have to sacrifice in order for us to go forth and achiever that possibility? 

I have too many questions that are in need of an answer now, I have no answers for any of those. 

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

On civility

Today, I am going to touch on the way things are. 

Right now, around me, things are not going so hot. 

I live in a place that's comparable to a ghetto. I started carrying a pepper spray when I moved here. My mum and my aunts worry about me all the time. As a single woman, I am vulnerable to every bad thing that can ever happen to one. 

But the thing is, it shouldn't be that way, should it? 

When I was in Hong Kong, a few things caught my eye. I am someone who is so paranoid, that I will never put my handbag on the table or the seat beside me, unless I am in a closed area. But the women over there are free to do so. And chances are, it will be ok. 

It's not that I am saying snatch cases don't happen in that part of the world, it's just that, it rarely happens, and it is something out of the ordinary. They don't have street signs warning pedestrians of purse snatchers. It is not a norm. 

The thing is, it shouldn't be. 

I have read about a few very disturbing stories about gang rapes and child murders these past couple of weeks. The 15 yo who was gang raped by 30 men, some blood related, in a state where the government are run by 'Islamists', for an example. 

There is an uproar on the case, from the NGOs, from politicians, from human and women rights advocates, but NONE from the governing 'Islamists'. 

The only noise I heard from one of them, is that this case is the reason why Hudud, is all the more justified. 

I say... Fuck that shit. Women's position in any religion is put on a lower threshold. We must have 4 witnesses to claim to being rape, what the hell kind of rule is that? Why is it that the 4 witnesses witnessing to an act of crime without doing anything about it? And how often can any kind of sexual assault be committed in public? 

Brainless. Pure stupidity and idiocy. One that I can't comprehend coming from grown men!

I got angrier when it comes to the children murders. The decapitated homeless girl took the cake. How is it, that a bunch of adults, who one claimed to be friends, lost sight of a 2 yo? I dont have kids but I will never let my nephew or niece alone anywhere! 

I was once told that we shouldn't say anything about things that happened, there are maybe circumstances that we can't understand. For an example, the leaving kids in the car to be discovered dead. I can't bloody fathom how a parent, whose heart and soul goes into loving and caring for a child you gave birth to, can actually let that happen? Maybe there are a few offs along the way... But even when you know things like these happened? To have more of these incidents happen within a span of two- three months? 

I don't understand. I guess they have never heard of the 'once bitten, twice shy' philosophy. 

If there is any one politician who is going all the way to fix this, without involving religious bullshit in their policies, I can tell you this, we, the observers and who believe in secular rights, will give our support to the cause. For now, that chance is slim. Very slim. And I will continue to sit on the fence with my pepper spray. 

Tuesday, May 27, 2014


I made two of my staff cry yesterday. 

One happened in front of my boss and one happened later on in the evening. 

One thing that I noticed in this team was that, the workload was too much for one person to take. It wasn't until I took over that I managed to bring my boss' attention to it. 

There was a lot of things that went unnoticed until I took over and went up mountains to tell it to everyone. 

Both of them was so overwhelmed with work that that broke down in during our 1:1s, one of them made me swear to not tell people that she actually cried in front of my boss, which is her second level boss. 

It was a triangular coaching session and my boss was assessing me. 

I have good people in my team, however I can understand the stress and pressure that they would feel with all the ridiculous volume and requests going back and fro from one team to another. 

In a very manual process, this is a very tricky thing to do. 

What I can do was to ask them to give me time for changes. Changes are inevitable. But it is coming. I have many things on my plate, balancing them had been a challenge last couple of months, but now I am becoming more of what was expected of me in this organisation. 

But, I refuse to change to the negative facade I can see some team leads emit. 

It's not healthy to be those people, and in block every unhealthy things from my system. 


Sunday, May 18, 2014


I have to admit, with certain people, I tend to ... avoid them.

I know of a person who can get downright whiny that he drove me up the wall. I am a patient person.

I am a VERY patient person. So, there is a special place in hell for people who can drive me up the wall.

My parting gift to him was a coffee press for Christmas in 2012. I can never even imagine myself to be sitting at the same table. Again.

To an extent, this may sound mean, selfish... not a good thing for anyone to do.

But I am  doing myself a favor. I don't want to say bad things about this person anymore. I want to spare my best friend the pain of listening to me complaining about this person. I want to spare myself the negativity.

No point living with bitter observation of a person who is not good for you. And I am sure, that person would be glad to be rid of me too.

I wish him nothing but the best in his life. I am not the least sorry for not being there for or with him. I know he has a lot more friends who can handle his emotional outbursts better than I have.